A New Life

Whoa! So much has happened! It's 2013 and the H and I have started a new chapter in our lives. It seems like we finally found a way to make things work. I can not recommend the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. Amazing book. It has really changed the way we have approached our relationship and I really think we are on our way to a positive and meaningful relationship. I am thrilled. Beyond thrilled. Good things are happening. Yay!

Down Down Down Down Down

The scale that is!

Down another 1.2lbs. That's 18 total since I started in January 2011. Not great, I know but...BUT I'm down 11.8lbs since I got serious again this past January.  Huzzah! That's 2lbs a week!

18 down, 25 to go.

I'm even leading in a weight-loss challenge with a message board I'm on. ME! Leading! Unbelievable.

Weight Watchers + Isagenix + Zumba + Pilates = weight loss!

And I currently have 6 bags of Peanut M&M's (yesterday was Happy Half-price Chocolate Day, after all) and an open bag of Peanut Butter M&M's and an open bag of Pretzel M&Ms all sitting on my desk. The Peanut Butter and Pretzel ones have been opened since early last week.

And I have had NONE. Not ONE. Not a single, solitary M&M for the past 4 weeks. I haven't had candy. I haven't had cookies. Other than my baking fiasco last week, I have had no baked goods. None. Da Nada. Zilch.

And I'm okay with that. I keep thinking I should be diving into the M&M's but I'm pretty "Meh" about them. I am chewing lots of gum, though. And my vitamins are gummies so it's like candy.

But, I'm okay.

Hope it lasts.

When Ms. Perfect Finds Out She Isn't.

Well.

Had a very eye opening and productive counseling session today. H was only going because he felt that MC was all about me and he didn't want me to go by myself and spend the time talking about him. We ended up dissecting the argument we had on Sunday, which lead to my previous post.

I honestly went in thinking I was in the clear and it was all on H. Well, I was wrong. I finally found out what the "paper cuts" are he constantly claims I cause him. And to H, they are just as bad as the verbal grenades he throws at me. Granted, his sound a lot worse because of the words he uses but apparently my tone and sarcasm hurt him just as much.

The counselor had us start at the beginning and, it turns out, *I* started it. And if I'm honest, I start it a lot. I don't mean to, but I do. Our communication skills suck and I am really quick to throw up my defenses and fight back, even when there is no reason to. That raises his hackles and he fights back the only way he knows how. We both have work to do.

I grew up in a very volatile house where there were loud voices and outbursts all the time. I'm very empathetic so I was always trying to shut out the anger or smooth it over. I never get loudly angry. I don't cry loudly. I don't really do anything loudly except laugh sometimes. I keep everything inside and contained. Mustn't show any emotion, you know.

H is just the opposite. Everything is loud and over the top. And I shut down, attempt to shut him down, throw out some sarcastic remarks and then make a run for it.

Listening to him talk to the counselor tonight about how that makes him feel was a real eye opener for me. I finally understand. I left the session feeling so much better than I did when we went in. I felt a softening from H as well and we were able to have a conversation in the car. He really isn't feeling well (I was afraid he was going to pass out during the session, he went so pale) so we'll table our post session discussion tomorrow.

But I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We have a long way to go. I mean a REALLY LONG WAY, but this counselor is so awesome. He's giving us tools to help us change our behavior.

No, seriously. Tell me how you really feel!

"I despise you. I hate you. Your birth was a mistake. If I could go back in time, I'd fight G/d to prevent your conception."

Apparently, I'm also a grifter.

Ah, Happy Valentine's Day!

Trigger Me This

I baked Thursday Night. For the first time in a month and the first time since I started getting serious about changing my life.

It was a disaster.

I'm learning my triggers. Candy is one. I'm not one of those people who can have just a few. I need them all. And yours, too. I can't stop. I just cannot stop.

Baking is another huge trigger, which sucks, since I love to bake. A friend's birthday is on Tuesday and he came up for the weekend. My baking for him is a tradition. He wanted coconut cake. I decided on Coconut  Whoopie Pies.

Since I knew this was a potential major trigger, I obsessed about it. I spoke with my WW leader Thursday morning and we talked about some strategies I could use. I thought I could do it. And boy, was I wrong.

I was supposed to brush my teeth before I started. I didn't.

I was supposed to cut up an apple before I started. I didn't.

I was supposed to chew gum while I was working. I didn't. At least not until it was too late.

I guess I should be proud of myself for not eating half the batter. I managed to make 35 cookies. So, of course I had to eat one so I could have an even number.

Then, after mixing up the filling and putting them all together, I was supposed to just put them away. But I was worried. What if they didn't taste good? It was a new recipe. If I waited until tomorrow to let the Birthday boy try them, what if he didn't like them? Then it would be too late to get him cupcakes at Crumbs.

So, I ate one. And it was very good. I put them all away in the fridge, and declared that I was done. Baking done, sampling done, all done.

Then I spent the entire next day thinking about the Whoopie Pies in the fridge. And I spent the entire day thinking about baking something else. Then I got home and ate one right out of the fridge. Then I ate the four left-over ones that were unfilled. Then I ate another one. Then I walked away and tried to watch Fringe without thinking of the Whoopie Pies sitting on the counter, or about the Giant Chocolate Chip Cookies I really wanted to make.

Then I went to bed. And was very relieved when I got up that the boys ate all of the Whoopie Pies. I've spent the day trying not to think about baking something else. I'm trying not to obsess about baking. About cakes and cookies and dough. It's really very hard.

If I ever doubted that certain foods were like a drug to me, I doubt no longer. I don't know if or when I'll ever be able to bake again. I don't know if I'll ever have control of it. I'm thankful that I'm strong enough right now to resist the pull but I'd be happier if I had managed to resist eating as much as I did.

It's going to take a while to accept that there are going to be things that I can't eat anymore. And of course, my brain is running through all the things I've ever made and all the things I've wanted to make and all the things I've wanted to eat and is screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hello...ello....ello....llo...lo...o....o

A dear friend commented to me today that she didn't realize I had started blogging again. I had to stop and think because I had forgotten that I had started blogging again. And, after reading the few entries from October, I can see WHY I forgot.

UGH.

Boy, I was desperately depressed then. Oy. That's an Über Oy! Things are better now. I made a New Year's goal to take better care of myself and, so far, I've done pretty well. Here's the rundown of what I've accomplished...

1) attended Zumba B1 training (which means I'm now licensed to teach Zumba)
2) took and passed my Notary Public exam am now just waiting for my license from NYS
3) added a third Zumba class to my schedule. That makes Zumba 3x a week and private Pilates lessons once a week.
4) I finally got back on WW and started losing weight but still had a terrible time with my addiction to cookies, candy, cake batter, etc.
5) joined up with Isagenix, did the 9-day cleanse and lost 8 pounds and 12 inches in 9 days. I have not gone back to eating junk food, nor have I gained the weight back. Im hoping I'll be able to keep it off. I'm actually wearing a pair of pants that I haven't worn in years. YEARS!
6) ordered (and received) textbooks for my AFAA certification in Group Exercise. It's something I've wanted to do since 1993 but never did. Who says you're to old to fulfill your dreams?

Here are other things that relate to me (but which I have no real control over):

A) husband decided on his own accord to stop taking the medication that was causing him terrible hallucinations
B) husband is finally able to go back to physical rehab, which is reducing his pain and his depression

Finally, H and I are in marriage counseling. It ain't cheap but if the marriage can be saved, it was worth every penny. (and if it isn't, well, at least I tried)

I don't like marriage counseling. The guy is great but I don't want to do the work. It's just easier to continue on the way I'm going. But, I have to admit my role in the state of our marriage and if he's willing to do the work, it's only fair that I do, too. It isn't easy, that's for sure.

So, just a little update from Gamina-girl. I'll try to remember this is out here and update more frequently.

Hanging on by a heart beat

Last night's dinner of champions consisted of chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough and super chunky peanut butter. It was very good, although I did feel like a bloated whale when I was done. Come to think of it, I still kinda feel that way.

Followed by yet another night of sleep deprivation.

I'm really hating life right now. I feel so blah and apathetic. I just don't care anymore. Okay, that's a lie. I care that I don't care. I worry that I don't care. I'm worried about next week. I'm leaving him alone for four days. I'm having trouble scheduling his MRIs any sooner than that and he'll have to find his own way there. If he doesn't drive himself, I don't know what he's going to do. I know he won't call a cab. I guess there's the option of me not going, but this has been planned for months. The tickets are paid for and non-refundable. I haven't seen them in years. YEARS!!! Gah! I hate this. Really truly hate this.

What if my being gone is the last push he needs to actually go through with his threats? What if I come home to find him gone? How do I live with myself? This is almost too much to bear right now.