When Ms. Perfect Finds Out She Isn't.

Well.

Had a very eye opening and productive counseling session today. H was only going because he felt that MC was all about me and he didn't want me to go by myself and spend the time talking about him. We ended up dissecting the argument we had on Sunday, which lead to my previous post.

I honestly went in thinking I was in the clear and it was all on H. Well, I was wrong. I finally found out what the "paper cuts" are he constantly claims I cause him. And to H, they are just as bad as the verbal grenades he throws at me. Granted, his sound a lot worse because of the words he uses but apparently my tone and sarcasm hurt him just as much.

The counselor had us start at the beginning and, it turns out, *I* started it. And if I'm honest, I start it a lot. I don't mean to, but I do. Our communication skills suck and I am really quick to throw up my defenses and fight back, even when there is no reason to. That raises his hackles and he fights back the only way he knows how. We both have work to do.

I grew up in a very volatile house where there were loud voices and outbursts all the time. I'm very empathetic so I was always trying to shut out the anger or smooth it over. I never get loudly angry. I don't cry loudly. I don't really do anything loudly except laugh sometimes. I keep everything inside and contained. Mustn't show any emotion, you know.

H is just the opposite. Everything is loud and over the top. And I shut down, attempt to shut him down, throw out some sarcastic remarks and then make a run for it.

Listening to him talk to the counselor tonight about how that makes him feel was a real eye opener for me. I finally understand. I left the session feeling so much better than I did when we went in. I felt a softening from H as well and we were able to have a conversation in the car. He really isn't feeling well (I was afraid he was going to pass out during the session, he went so pale) so we'll table our post session discussion tomorrow.

But I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We have a long way to go. I mean a REALLY LONG WAY, but this counselor is so awesome. He's giving us tools to help us change our behavior.